Yvette The Coach M.A., Life Coach, Narcissistic Abuse Expert https://yvettethecoach.com Certified Master Life Coach, Narcissistic Abuse Expert & Financial Coach Tue, 17 Nov 2020 18:40:02 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=5.6 https://yvettethecoach.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/cropped-MONEY_alexander-mils-lCPhGxs7pww-unsplash-scaled-1-32x32.jpg Yvette The Coach M.A., Life Coach, Narcissistic Abuse Expert https://yvettethecoach.com 32 32 20 Signs of Traumatic Bonding and What Can Be Done to Heal https://yvettethecoach.com/20-signs-of-traumatic-bonding-and-what-can-be-done-to-heal/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=20-signs-of-traumatic-bonding-and-what-can-be-done-to-heal https://yvettethecoach.com/20-signs-of-traumatic-bonding-and-what-can-be-done-to-heal/#respond Tue, 17 Nov 2020 17:31:19 +0000 https://yvettethecoach.com/?p=1055 Yvette The Coach M.A., Life Coach, Narcissistic Abuse Expert
20 Signs of Traumatic Bonding and What Can Be Done to Heal

You feel the trauma in your body, your physiology, like an addiction holding you in a stuck state of pain and avoidance and hope You continue to tell yourself; if you stand your ground, hold boundaries, you will get the abuser to modify their behavior towards you permanently You tell yourself if you can just …

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20 Signs of Traumatic Bonding and What Can Be Done to Heal
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Yvette The Coach M.A., Life Coach, Narcissistic Abuse Expert
20 Signs of Traumatic Bonding and What Can Be Done to Heal

  1. You feel the trauma in your body, your physiology, like an addiction holding you in a stuck state of pain and avoidance and hope
  2. You continue to tell yourself; if you stand your ground, hold boundaries, you will get the abuser to modify their behavior towards you permanently
  3. You tell yourself if you can just learn enough about the various abuses and tactics they are using, you will be able to stop it and overcome how abuse makes you feel, and you won’t let it get to you anymore and then it will all be ok
  4. You feel trapped or stuck in a relationship where it’s all about you being overpowered, yet you find you keep trying to make the best of it, so you won’t have to go out on your own
  5. You power through the abuse and focus on the “good” in the narcissistic abuser and “the promise” — the breadcrumbs they keep giving you about how it will be better in the future and how you belong together
  6. You are allowing sex to continue in the relationship, which is further depleting, demeaning and damaging your self-worth because of the lack of respect you are receiving
  7. You know you should leave but you feel you will not be ok on your own
  8. When you do get away you feel empty, lonely and lost. You make excuses, remembering something that was good in the situation. You feel as though you must get the situation back and make it better this time.
  9. You are suffering
  10. The chaos is so intense that there is not enough time between the episodes for you to gain the clarity you need to form an escape plan that is feasible. You hate this feeling, but you can’t break it.
  11. The abuser constantly lets you down, but you pretend to believe their promises so that you will not have to go out on your own and be completely responsible for taking care of you in the multitude of ways that are necessary
  12. You had various types of abuse in your upbringing
  13. Fear has become confused as excitement and you are developing an addiction to the “excitement in the abuse cycle – the unknown/fear, the outburst/episode, the honeymoon after the episode, the recovery/numbness, then back to the beginning – feeling uneasy/fear/the unknown/walking on eggshells on through the cycle again
  14. You find yourself making excuses or taking some of the blame for the abuse that is happening
  15. Deep down you have lost all respect for the abuser and when you get truthful with yourself you don’t even like the abuser and may even hate them, but you don’t leave and then you beat yourself up for not leaving wondering what’s wrong with you
  16. You are guilting yourself, not liking yourself, and shaming yourself because you don’t leave
  17. You are becoming isolated and the only comfort you get is the tiny little crumbs of comfort you can get from your abuser after an episode and you hang on to this momentary comfort with all you’ve got, falling deeply in to “the promise” and the trauma bond
  18. You have put all your eggs into the abusive relationship basket, and you don’t have bonds and ties that are separate from your abuser: your own family or your own friends who are like family.  If you did have these bonds, you have let them dwindle or become damaged because of this relationship
  19. The abuser is telling you, “We have been through so much together, we can’t give up now” and you are bonding to this struggle as if you have some responsibility in getting abused and it is the ultimate achievement to fix it all, when it can never be fixed
  20. The shame and guilt are causing you to squeeze in tighter, hold on harder, thinking if it all can just be fixed, it will get better

Schedule Yvette The Coach

If you are feeling stuck in ambivalence about a toxic, abusive relationship and you are stuck about why you still feel you need to stay connected to it, reach out to Yvette The Coach and schedule your appointment here

Traumatic Bonds Can Be Difficult to Break

Narcissistic abusers can be quite charming, witty, sexy, and generous. All of these traits add an extra twist to traumatic bonding so no need to beat yourself up with shame and telling yourself you should know better. Narcissists are master manipulators and it is highly likely you are not! So, you have permission right here to give yourself a break. Narcissists don’t like you, so they don’t care what kind of trauma they are putting you through. As long as they maintain all the power, that’s what matters to them. They need you low and weak so they can control. When the feed you that little bread crumb of hope and offer some nicety, the victim hangs on to that for all they’ve got in their desperation for some peace and calm. At that point victims will take anything they can get, and this is where the connecting piece strengthens between feeling so bad from the abuse and then feeling so good during the relief, so the connecting point between the two strengthens, hence the bond. The bond is the poverty between the two, holding the two together, and poverty is a powerful force.

The Amygdala and Flight or Fight

You are in flight or fight mode constantly when having to deal with a narcissistic emotional abuser. This flight or fight part of your brain, the amygdala, shuts all senses down and fights back or runs, and keeps getting stronger and more prevalent in your being the longer you are in toxic, chaotic, abusive relationships. The stronger this part of the brain becomes, the more addicted to the relationship, person or the thinking/ruminating about your escape you can become. Your thoughts become more and more poisoned. You are weakened and begin to believe there is no way out so round and round you go in the cycle of abuse. 

There is hope though. Breaking through the amygdala’s repetitive nature is not impossible. Like breaking through addiction, many have accomplished jumping over the hurdle. 

5 Ways to Begin Breaking Traumatic Bonding

  1. Get the focus off of the abuser and on to you
  2. Get real about what you really want
  3. Find a self-help practice that you do every day — like practicing a musical instrument or practicing a sport — we must have a wellness practice like The Prosperity Pinnacle Practice
  4. Seek support and guidance in creating your daily practice from Yvette The Coach, an expert in narcissism who completely gets what you are experiencing
  5. Read “healing from trauma” books

20 Signs of Traumatic Bonding and What Can Be Done to Heal
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Is the Narcissist Looking for Connection or Service? https://yvettethecoach.com/is-the-narcissist-looking-for-connection-or-service/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=is-the-narcissist-looking-for-connection-or-service https://yvettethecoach.com/is-the-narcissist-looking-for-connection-or-service/#respond Wed, 28 Oct 2020 14:36:30 +0000 https://yvettethecoach.com/?p=1046 Yvette The Coach M.A., Life Coach, Narcissistic Abuse Expert
Is the Narcissist Looking for Connection or Service?

Narcissists attach but they do not connect because they cannot bond. The connection you feel with a narcissist is with yourself; your strong desire to be loved and have the inspirational love you thought you were getting in the beginning.  My clients often talk about their so-called connection with the narcissist. They argue, “Oh we …

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Is the Narcissist Looking for Connection or Service?
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Yvette The Coach M.A., Life Coach, Narcissistic Abuse Expert
Is the Narcissist Looking for Connection or Service?

Narcissists attach but they do not connect because they cannot bond. The connection you feel with a narcissist is with yourself; your strong desire to be loved and have the inspirational love you thought you were getting in the beginning. 

My clients often talk about their so-called connection with the narcissist. They argue, “Oh we have such amazing sex.” I say, “Really? What it is like immediately after sex?” It’s an important question and the answer is maybe THE most defining factor.

The Narcissist Could Not Care Any Less About Connection

Everything the narcissist is experiencing sexually is all about themselves no matter what they are saying to you. Pay attention. They are thinking to themselves, ”Look how amazing I am. The way I am feeling is so superior. Only I, the omnipotent, could cause this to happen. I’m so awesome that I can make myself feel this incredible ecstasy I am physically feeling. Look at my body and the way I move. Wow, I am overwhelmed with myself.”  It’s all physical and about their body. If you feel amazing, they will take it from you and one-up you because it’s got be all about them. 

Remember, you are not worthy of existing to them. You are not even part of the equation. It’s all about them. The narcissist can insert someone else into the scene in their minds or in reality. Don’t fool yourself that what they are saying to you or how they are acting with you is real. Everything they are with you, they are or have been with someone else they wanted to hold in their web. And they know what holds a person in their web. They only seek out empaths: those who will tolerate them. 

Without the ability to bond, you become just another specimen. 

Narcissists Seek Service

Narcissists will become attached to you or metaphorically ON you, especially if you are a good service provider. Service is what the narcissist is seeking and as long as they can keep you serving them, they see no immediate need to completely discard you until the position is filled by someone else. And many, even after they secure a new feeder, will keep all their old feeders in the background.  Don’t be fooled into thinking their attachment is love, or connection or a bond to you. Any feigned kindness you experience from them is part of whatever agenda they are currently building towards and you serving them is the biggest part of them achieving their agenda. 

Narcissists cannot bond to you. The capacity to deeply care about another person is simply not there. You are simply a servant. 

AND… they would crawl up inside you and take over your body and being if they could: like a parasite. I often refer to them as like a spider; feeding on you as you are trapped in their sticky web, but sometimes they are more like a parasite. You are the host body because you don’t realize they have attached themselves on to your being and you cannot just swat them off of you. 

Is the Narcissist Looking for Connection or Service?
Yvette The Coach

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You Aren’t Chocolate. Stop Trying to Make Everyone Happy. https://yvettethecoach.com/7-ways-to-survive-a-narcissist/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=7-ways-to-survive-a-narcissist https://yvettethecoach.com/7-ways-to-survive-a-narcissist/#comments Tue, 16 Jun 2020 20:41:13 +0000 https://yvettethecoach.com/?p=657 Yvette The Coach M.A., Life Coach, Narcissistic Abuse Expert
You Aren’t Chocolate. Stop Trying to Make Everyone Happy.

7 Ways to Survive a Narcissist   Learn to say NO – Narcissists hate no. They will throw it around endlessly but you better not. Say no to being dragged in to defending yourself over and over. No more defending about anything. Walk away. Re-write your life story. Whether your story is recent or life-long, …

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You Aren’t Chocolate. Stop Trying to Make Everyone Happy.
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Yvette The Coach M.A., Life Coach, Narcissistic Abuse Expert
You Aren’t Chocolate. Stop Trying to Make Everyone Happy.

7 Ways to Survive a Narcissist

 

  1. Learn to say NO – Narcissists hate no. They will throw it around endlessly but you better not. Say no to being dragged in to defending yourself over and over. No more defending about anything. Walk away.
  2. Re-write your life story. Whether your story is recent or life-long, if a narcissist hears a story of pain, trauma, unforgiveness, or anyone or anything that caused you harm, they zoom in on you like a hawk diving on a mouse. They see this as feeding time. You are weakened and they can get the upper hand with someone wounded like you.
  3. Let go! There’s no fixing this! Instead of blaming yourself for falling for their manipulation or judging yourself for letting them mistreat you for so long — remember, they are master manipulators – give yourself a break. Understand your personality and your willingness to help. Offer yourself forgiveness instead. Set your boundaries for your life and live by them. You can’t change the past, and you can’t change their behavior or actions. There’s nothing wrong with you. You don’t need to change. You simply need to change your circumstances. You have power to change the course of your own life.
  4. Talk to other victims – but only temporarily. (Remember, you are re-writing your story and you will sum up your life of narcissistic abuse in one sentence that will end with a success) The support group understands and has no judgement and this provides you some release and builds strength.
  5. Dig Deep – How did it come to be? Learn about your unwillingness to be alone and where that is coming from. Why are you willing to put up with monsters in order to not be alone.
  6. How did you decide you could be a fixer? Dig into your life. How did you grow up? Did you have to fix everything? Did you have to be the parent instead of the child? Gain understanding about why you believe you can fix or handle the person/situation.
  7. Re-connect with your gut feelings – They do not steer you wrong. Take some time to re-learn who you are and what you value. It’s all still there. The abuser has devalued all that is dear to you. You’ve been traumatized and your values broken down. You can heal with meditation, support, coaching, journaling, listening to lovely music that doesn’t have words. But I want to caution you, if you are still in contact with your narc/abuser, it will be challenging to grow and heal.

Ultimately we don’t want to “handle” our narcissistic emotional abuser. We are not their handler. What we want to accomplish is truly getting a handle on what the disorder is so we can get this out of our lives forever. First we have to get properly educated, which does not mean online hearsay – Go to Beating Narcissism to learn.  Next we have to get support. Next we have to get away from the narcissist – Go to Beating Narcissism Course Series. Next week have to go into recovery – Go to Beating Narcissism Recovery to gain recovery skills. Next we have to rediscover who we really are and what we really want – Go to Re-Discovering Our “Self” After Abuse Recovery. Lastly, we have to go out and live the new life we’ve created!  Follow these steps to get to your healed and happy life!

 

yvette the coach

You Aren’t Chocolate. Stop Trying to Make Everyone Happy.
mks

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7 Ways to Survive a Narcissists https://yvettethecoach.com/7-ways-to-survive-a-narcissists/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=7-ways-to-survive-a-narcissists https://yvettethecoach.com/7-ways-to-survive-a-narcissists/#respond Tue, 16 Jun 2020 20:04:00 +0000 https://yvettethecoach.com/?p=649 Yvette The Coach M.A., Life Coach, Narcissistic Abuse Expert
7 Ways to Survive a Narcissists

7 Ways to Survive a Narcissist   Learn to say NO – Narcissists hate no. They will throw it around endlessly but you better not. Say no to be dragged in to defending yourself over and over. No more defending about anything. Walk away. Re-write your life story. Whether your story is recent or life-long, …

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7 Ways to Survive a Narcissists
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Yvette The Coach M.A., Life Coach, Narcissistic Abuse Expert
7 Ways to Survive a Narcissists

7 Ways to Survive a Narcissist

 

  1. Learn to say NO – Narcissists hate no. They will throw it around endlessly but you better not. Say no to be dragged in to defending yourself over and over. No more defending about anything. Walk away.
  2. Re-write your life story. Whether your story is recent or life-long, if a narcissist hears a story of pain, trauma, unforgiveness, or anyone or anything that caused you harm, they zoom in on you like a hawk diving on a mouse. They see this as feeding time. You are weakened and they can get the upper hand with someone wounded like you.
  3. Let go! There’s no fixing this! Instead of blaming yourself for falling for their manipulation or judging yourself for letting them mistreat you for so long — remember they are master manipulators – give yourself a break. Understand your personality and your willingness to help. Offer yourselfforgiveness instead and set your boundaries for your life and live by them. You can’t change the past, and you can’t change their behavior or actions. You only have power over yourself.
  4. Talk to other victims – but only temporarily. (remember you are re-writing your story and you will sum up your life of narcissistic abuse in one sentence that will end with a success) The support group understands and has no judgement and this provides you some release and builds strength.
  5. Dig Deep – How did it come to be? Learn about your unwillingness to be alone and where that is coming from.
  6. How did you decide you could be fixer? Dig into your life. How did you grow up? Did you have to fix everything? Gain understanding about why you believe you can fix or handle the person/situation.
  7. Re-connect with your gut feelings – They do not steer you wrong. Take some time to re-learn who you are and what you value. It’s all still there. It’s just been traumatized and broken down. You can do this with meditation, journaling, listening to lovely music that doesn’t have words. But I want to caution you, if you are still in contact with your narc, you it will be challenging to grow.

 

yvette the coach

7 Ways to Survive a Narcissists
mks

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The Narcissism/Co-Dependent Theory – The Answer to Understanding Narcissists? https://yvettethecoach.com/the-narcissism-co-dependent-theory-the-answer-to-understanding-narcissists/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=the-narcissism-co-dependent-theory-the-answer-to-understanding-narcissists https://yvettethecoach.com/the-narcissism-co-dependent-theory-the-answer-to-understanding-narcissists/#respond Thu, 21 May 2020 19:05:26 +0000 https://yvettethecoach.com/?p=624 Yvette The Coach M.A., Life Coach, Narcissistic Abuse Expert
The Narcissism/Co-Dependent Theory – The Answer to Understanding Narcissists?

I always ask my clients if they can determine which parent, if they had two parents, was the me-focused parent (narcissist) and which parent was the others-focused parent (the giver or co-dependent). If you find yourself feeling stuck with a true narcissist, you were likely raised with narcissism in some way.   Some practitioners will …

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The Narcissism/Co-Dependent Theory – The Answer to Understanding Narcissists?
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Yvette The Coach M.A., Life Coach, Narcissistic Abuse Expert
The Narcissism/Co-Dependent Theory – The Answer to Understanding Narcissists?

I always ask my clients if they can determine which parent, if they had two parents, was the me-focused parent (narcissist) and which parent was the others-focused parent (the giver or co-dependent). If you find yourself feeling stuck with a true narcissist, you were likely raised with narcissism in some way.

 

Some practitioners will boil down complex, dysfunctional relationships with the narcissistic element as parties being either more narcissist like or more co-dependent like – that one wouldn’t be stuck with a narcissist if one were able to sit closer to the middle between these two conditions because neither of you would be served. However, it is just a little more complex than that.

Narcissists are extreme co-dependents and simultaneously extreme self-serving. They do not need you and will drop you at the flip of a switch yet will hang on to you and go to all ends to keep you in their service as long as possible. They will do everything for you and others and completely deplete themselves and ignore their needs (like co-dependents).  They will at the same time completely self-serve (make sure that people who don’t really know them see them receiving awards or other accolades and i.e., create and maintain the appearance they are wonderful) and be devoid of all compassion and caring of your experiences. If we are talking about continuums, one cannot be extremely on both sides of a continuum. A continuum is a line that one falls along at some point, used as method of measurement — you are not fully on both sides. If you were fully on both sides, you would need a different form of measurement. This is one of my pet-peeves about practitioners with PhDs and books about narcissism (NPD), who do not fully understand the vortex of narcissism! They keep posting their blogs online and writing books, but they are missing some key elements of the narcissism disease. Narcissism is so much more than what I am reading online.

Getting sucked into the vortex of narcissism and then getting trapped in it has so many facets to it, it can’t be pinned down to a continuum. While the continuum theory has validity and even usefulness to explain certain aspects of NPD and likely BPD, the entrapped person (victim) goes through more than what’s involved in the narcissistic/co-dependent continuum. If you weren’t a co-dependent when you got deceived by a narcissist, you may feel like one by the time you get away from a narcissist. Luckily, the acquired co-dependency behaviors are not permanent in this case. Being co-dependent does not automatically mean you will find yourself stuck in a narcissist or borderline relationship.

It’s behooves us to remember that narcissists are damaged to their core. The shame and loathing they experience is happening at the same time that they are believing they are superior beings. These two experiences are simultaneous. It doesn’t sound possible does it? It is near impossible to comprehend what that is. But it is real and that IS exactly what is happening.

Narcissists will not allow themselves to connect with what originally gave them shame. That shame is buried deep in the amygdala and as we know, the amygdala is hard to access: one has to really want to.  Narcissists do not want to. They have acquired a taste for taking the easy way out! Narcissists learned early in life that manipulation was much more efficient and could get them to their immediate need almost instantly and that need is to get out of the terrible shame feelings as quickly as possible. They have discovered the most efficient way to escape those shame and loathing feelings is to project them on to a targeted someone else or “feed” on someone else in a way where that person is a constant source. So, they get into “relationship” but not in the way relationship is designed to work. They believe their target has to pay for their pain. They will never believe that the pain they inflict on their victims could ever be anywhere near the pain they have had to experience in their lives. They must win the pain game too. To a narcissist, relationship is a game one must win. It is not a place to connect, accept and be accepted, laugh, share and feel safe to be vulnerable.

Narcissists cannot figure out why the “relationship” (of course it is not really relationship) they have created is not working for their prey. They have given you everything – showered you with affection — bought you everything they could —  people are praising them every day at how amazing they are — so why aren’t you? Why aren’t you praising them with appreciation and providing all they now believe they are entitled to after giving you everything? How dare you not bow down and praise them like the god they think they are! And now they are furious! They don’t even like you but they can’t be alone so they keep you in order to serve their agendas, steal your joy, and feed on you. And there it is…narcissism and co-dependency happening at the same time.

The continuum theory has some merits such as: showing how some narcissists have more accentuated traits than other narcissists and some co-dependents have more accentuated co-dependency traits, and a perfect world would be for one to fall in the middle, but it doesn’t completely work for measuring narcissism in relationship, especially when dealing with co-narcissism in relationship, since narcissists can sit on both sides of the continuum at the same time. Narcissism is a monster we have yet to unpack.

I will do my best to continue to post as time allows. The public has learned a lot about narcissism since 2016, while observing a president displaying the disease publicly.

To learn more about what it is like to be in the vortex of narcissism; and learn the exact tactics that every narcissist uses to inflict pain and keep you drained, and in chaos so you are unable to leave them; and learn how to get free; take my course series called Beating Narcissism at: Yvette The Coach School. 

The Narcissism/Co-Dependent Theory – The Answer to Understanding Narcissists?
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Why Do People Get Married? https://yvettethecoach.com/why-do-people-get-married/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=why-do-people-get-married https://yvettethecoach.com/why-do-people-get-married/#comments Wed, 09 Oct 2019 15:06:39 +0000 https://yvettethecoach.com/?p=598 Yvette The Coach M.A., Life Coach, Narcissistic Abuse Expert
Why Do People Get Married?

Why Do People Get Married? They want to be in a lasting relationship They meet and feel a connection They begin to plant loving seeds via interest They begin to grow roots via the seeds of interest and begin trust, support, respect They begin to plant seeds in sex for safety in vulnerability and another …

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Why Do People Get Married?
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Yvette The Coach M.A., Life Coach, Narcissistic Abuse Expert
Why Do People Get Married?

Why Do People Get Married?

  1. They want to be in a lasting relationship
  2. They meet and feel a connection
  3. They begin to plant loving seeds via interest
  4. They begin to grow roots via the seeds of interest and begin trust, support, respect
  5. They begin to plant seeds in sex for safety in vulnerability and another level of trust
  6. They begin to feel comfort, safeness, security, acceptance, relaxed, which all water the seeds
  7. The seeds start to grow and the couple begins to work on communication, which feeds and nourishes the seeds
  8. Their ability to communicate effectively and unselfishly starts to build a root system
  9. They begin to have an “other” focus over a “self” focus and the roots begin to grow down deep and wide and take a strong hold as the couple learns to share and hear each other and have empathic concern, compassion, and understanding for the other’s needs, concerns, hopes and dreams
  10. They begin to share activities and common interests while at the same time celebrate the other’s interests and accomplishments. They give their attention to each other while participating in activities and they do not disrespect the moments by displays of focus in technology devices or being somewhere else emotionally other than where they are.
  11. Family and friends mix into the relationship and the couple begins to build wonderful memories of giggles and uncontrollable laughter and moments of joy and roots grow strong and healthy as the relationship is nurtured
  12. The relationship goes through it first “season” and comes out stronger on the other side. There are more seasons and the relationship only grows stronger as the trust deepens from the demonstration that each person is always there for the other one and neither threatens the other’s sense of self and well-being.
  13. Their support, understanding, appreciation, compassion, empathy, respect, and listening is ubiquitous in the relationship and revealed in consistent behaviors that display love and safety towards the other person through thick and thin
  14. They find their space and place within the relationship maintaining autonomy via respect
  15. Harmony results and they want to celebrate outwardly what they have created
  16. They get engaged and announce their commitment further deepening the commitment to each other’s well-being.
  17. They get married and reap the fruit of the seeds they have sown. The harvest is abundant. They share the beautiful memories and the abundance they have created and continue to create more. Nothing can destroy the foundation that was built. The roots of the plant are deep like an oak’s. The flowers or blooms will be vibrant. At times the harvest may be small as the relationship goes through a “season” but from the pruning comes new, bigger and brighter blooms because of the awesome healthy seeds that were sown in the beginning. The marriage will last and thrive as long as the plant and root system continues to be nurtured with the commitment the two have made not just to their own well-being but to the other’s as well.

Why Do People Get Married?
mks

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For Narcissists, the Reason is NOT Because They Like You! https://yvettethecoach.com/for-narcissists-the-reason-is-not-because-they-like-you/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=for-narcissists-the-reason-is-not-because-they-like-you https://yvettethecoach.com/for-narcissists-the-reason-is-not-because-they-like-you/#respond Wed, 09 Oct 2019 12:58:08 +0000 https://yvettethecoach.com/?p=593 Yvette The Coach M.A., Life Coach, Narcissistic Abuse Expert
For Narcissists, the Reason is NOT Because They Like You!

The narcissist likes no one. Everything they do is based around getting people who don’t really know them to like THEM! No one who truly knows a narcissist likes them, ever! The narcissist knows it. They don’t care. What matters to the narcissist is maintaining the delusion that they are addicted to of looking amazing …

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For Narcissists, the Reason is NOT Because They Like You!
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Yvette The Coach M.A., Life Coach, Narcissistic Abuse Expert
For Narcissists, the Reason is NOT Because They Like You!

The narcissist likes no one. Everything they do is based around getting people who don’t really know them to like THEM! No one who truly knows a narcissist likes them, ever! The narcissist knows it. They don’t care. What matters to the narcissist is maintaining the delusion that they are addicted to of looking amazing to the outside world in their own eyes. There are two ways the narcissist feeds their perfection delusion. 1).  They  continue to find new people who they can deceive in to believing their delusion, and 2). They never get to know anyone very well and they never let those outsiders know who they are if they can help it. Once they see someone starting to recognize what they are, they will back away from that person and create distance.

The narcissist has needs of that of a child. He/She will behave badly towards you, feel bad about themselves afterwards and then seek comfort from YOU for abusing YOU! Did you just get that? They will violate you and your life, and then USE you to provide them solace from their horrible selves.

Children are bad and say mean things to their friends, teachers or parents, etc. Parents and others will comfort the child and try to help them grow up and understand that they cannot be bad and do well in society. Narcissists never learned to grow up emotionally and they never will. You cannot  help them grow up.

Who comforts you for the pain the narcissist just caused you? Not him/her. There will be no comfort for you. There may be a feeble, “sorry” but you will feel ugly after that “sorry” in a way that sorry never made you feel before when someone else said sorry to you.  You will be busy falling into their love bombing, giving them sex, sucking up every bit of the attention from them that you’ve been missing. After, you will feel the emptiness; the loneliness; the longing; the wanting: All of the things you are not getting. I talk about this a lot in my Beating Narcissism course.

The narcissist does not like you. You must get this! They will do anything to keep you in their life because they have some reason, some motivation for doing so that has nothing to do with you and making your life better – though they will yell at you often, screaming at you in your face, how good they are to you and how much better off you are for knowing them. Whatever the reason is for keeping you around, it has nothing to do with liking or loving YOU!  They are always calculating and scheming to create or maintain their delusion of being perfect and the best. There is something about you that is helping them with this delusion.

Maybe you have figured out the reason and yet you are not ending contact. You may still be believing that he/she really does care about you but they are mentally ill and cannot express it properly. Get out of that mindset right now! There is no scientific data to date, that shows narcissists have a biological/chemical reason for using people. Narcissism is a personality disorder. They behave badly because they can get what they want by doing so.

For the victim who is very attractive, the reason to keep you can be nothing more than you bring the narcissist the status and attention they believe makes them look good in public circles. Of course we know that they are all about the appearance of being something special — the most special in the room. While they do not really like you, in their minds they must keep you, the attractive one, around for the time-being because you make them look good. And by the way, while you are making them look good, they will find a way to say or do something in the social setting that makes you feel one inch tall. Others might notice it or maybe not. You will feel it fully.

Another very common reason the narcissist keeps its victims around is for convenient sex at their beckon-call. They are all about sex. Did you just comprehend the meaning behind that statement? Sex. Not love or loving kindness. Sex. For many of them their only reason for continuing to live is to have sex. Not love…sex. They don’t experience love. Remember that. They don’t like you but they will have sex with you at a split second’s notice. On the opposite side of that, if they are feeling they need more control, they will try to get you in a position of begging them for sex. They are perfect so you know you want them right? There is a lot more about this in my course, Beating Narcissism. What you need to do is pay attention to how mechanical they are in sex. There is no spiritual connection. It is strictly physical and it may be very technically well put together or it may be the worst sex you’ve ever had.  It will be in the extreme either way and it will not be spiritual. Narcissists never rest in the middle of anything. Black and white. On or off is how they operate.

It doesn’t matter what the reason is that the narcissist in your life is keeping their hooks in you. What matters is that you get a handle on the fact that the narcissist DOES NOT LIKE YOU. You must admit this to yourself. Do you want to continue contact with someone who does not and  cannot like you or anyone else?

To get some relief and learn some tools to help move forward try the course Beating Narcissism.

For Narcissists, the Reason is NOT Because They Like You!
mks

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Not All Narcissists Cheat But… https://yvettethecoach.com/not-all-narcissists-cheat-but/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=not-all-narcissists-cheat-but https://yvettethecoach.com/not-all-narcissists-cheat-but/#respond Tue, 06 Aug 2019 20:37:45 +0000 https://yvettethecoach.com/?p=562 Yvette The Coach M.A., Life Coach, Narcissistic Abuse Expert
Not All Narcissists Cheat But…

Have you been trying to determine if you are finding yourself in a romantic relationship with a narcissist? Don’t be fooled by everything you are reading online. Not all narcissists cheat and not in every relationship. If yours is not cheating, is does not mean he/she is not a narcissist. It simply means they are …

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Not All Narcissists Cheat But…
mks

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Yvette The Coach M.A., Life Coach, Narcissistic Abuse Expert
Not All Narcissists Cheat But…

Have you been trying to determine if you are finding yourself in a romantic relationship with a narcissist? Don’t be fooled by everything you are reading online. Not all narcissists cheat and not in every relationship. If yours is not cheating, is does not mean he/she is not a narcissist. It simply means they are not cheating on YOU!  And it doesn’t mean they won’t cheat sometime in the future and it doesn’t mean they will.

Keep in mind the key trait of the narcissist is the lack of responsibility in their chaos, which causes a great deal of damage to those closest to them.

Narcissists will often be cheating on someone else when they hook you in. You may or may not know but often they like it when all parties suspect or know. The narcissist feels a great deal of power when he/she can pit two or three people against each other and continue relationships on some level with all involved.  See,  narcissists are not interested in depth in relationship so as long as the sex is happening they believe they are winning at life. Sex is the only reason they keep living in their lives. It’s not about relationship for a narcissist. It’s all about winning. Oh and let’s not forget being right. So if the sex is still occurring in any or all of their so-called relationships, in their minds, they are powerful (they are still sucking YOU in), in control, right, and most of all winning. They don’t like you so they really don’t care how you are affected.

Narcissists have a very complex relationship with themselves. They love themselves more than any other being. They view themselves as something like God or a god. They think they are the most exceptional person on the planet and at the same time they loathe themselves. In their loathing, they will do everything in their power to project perfection so you will not know who they really are. Yes, all of this is occurring at the same time. Their loathing is deeper than hatred. Their admiration for themselves is unnerving and it is the epitome of delusion. Their loathing of themselves is so deeply rooted that most average people can never really experience evil on the level that resides within them (they project it on to you as much as you will allow but that horrible, drained and depleted feeling you feel because of them, can not even begin to compare to the darkness they are trying to escape). It is the darkest, deepest, black hole, infinite, ever increasing negativity, that you can never imagine…and who would want to.

In all their admiration of themselves and simultaneous loathing and disappointment in themselves, they might choose cheating to feed these two dichotomies. If you think about it, what better way to experience their perfectionism, power, charisma and calculating skills — fulfilling the delusion of how exceptional they think they are — while at the same time providing themselves something loathsome, denigrating, hateful, and often just plain gross — fulfilling their simultaneous belief and feeling that they will never be anything better than a lowly, disgusting cheat. It’s even more complex than all of this but this is a good start for understanding the defeating, dichotic nature of the narcissist.

The narcissist will not and cannot grow. When a narcissist “grows”, their growth is in becoming better at honing their deceitfulness, not becoming a better human. Average humans, over their lifetime of lessons, grow in to being better humans, gaining more compassion and becoming better equipped to give and receive love. Narcissists are missing that human capacity. They instead hone and perfect the ability to fane compassion, fane love and fane receiving love and then yes… you likely just thought and you are correct…via their exceptional ability to fane, they believe they are the almighty conquerers for achieving those faning skills at such an exceptional level! And their admiration of themselves soars! They miss the whole point and life experience.

Many people cheat for many reasons, none of them good and mature of course. Though the cheating trait is narcissistic, not all cheaters are narcissists and not all narcissists cheat.

Not All Narcissists Cheat But…
mks

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Forget About Being Happy Unless I Say So! Love, Your Narcissist https://yvettethecoach.com/forget-about-being-happy-unless-i-say-so-love-your-narcissist/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=forget-about-being-happy-unless-i-say-so-love-your-narcissist https://yvettethecoach.com/forget-about-being-happy-unless-i-say-so-love-your-narcissist/#respond Mon, 10 Jun 2019 19:12:06 +0000 https://yvettethecoach.com/?p=511 Yvette The Coach M.A., Life Coach, Narcissistic Abuse Expert
Forget About Being Happy Unless I Say So! Love, Your Narcissist

Yes! That is correct! The narcissist will not allow you to be happy unless he/she is the reason you are feeling happy. Your happiness must be under their control at all times. Forget about experiencing any happiness in front of them that is caused by anything or anyone other than them. If you show joy, …

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Forget About Being Happy Unless I Say So! Love, Your Narcissist
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Yvette The Coach M.A., Life Coach, Narcissistic Abuse Expert
Forget About Being Happy Unless I Say So! Love, Your Narcissist

Yes! That is correct! The narcissist will not allow you to be happy unless he/she is the reason you are feeling happy. Your happiness must be under their control at all times. Forget about experiencing any happiness in front of them that is caused by anything or anyone other than them. If you show joy, they will steal that away from you as soon as possible. They will calculate, scheme, plan and then attack when you are experiencing the most joy or they will wait and level you when your whole personality is shining and showing. They cannot stand it when you shine!  How dare you be happy when they are so miserable. You have what they so desperately want — and that is to shine! So they will do whatever they can to take it from you. You see…they feel they own you and therefore they say when you will shine and when you will not. They will act like in the moment, that they like you that way — shining — while they are scheming their attack to later level you and take your shine away. It is not IF they get the chance to level you, it is WHEN they get the chance because they will find an opportunity to level you. Leveling is what they do best!! Leveling is one of their most treasured practices and be ready for a sickening, “I love you so much” and/or connecting behavior shortly after the leveling.

The narcissist will calm down, sit back, watch and monitor your emotions. You become more comfortable around them because they haven’t been hostile for a couple weeks. If you start to relax and share with them at all, they will hold back and get as much of that sharing out of you as possible. Once they feel you are sharing everything you are capable of — and they know you because they have analyzed you thoroughly when you were busy or not paying attention —  they move in for the attack! This my friend will NEVER change. So…forget about being free to express your happy, ever, while you remain in contact with a narcissist.

 

Do you want to beat narcissism ? This course will get you on your way to your happy place. Never have narcissism in your life again.

Forget About Being Happy Unless I Say So! Love, Your Narcissist
mks

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Letter to Your Narcissist https://yvettethecoach.com/letter-to-your-narcissist/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=letter-to-your-narcissist https://yvettethecoach.com/letter-to-your-narcissist/#respond Wed, 09 Jan 2019 20:21:32 +0000 https://yvettethecoach.com/?p=475 Yvette The Coach M.A., Life Coach, Narcissistic Abuse Expert
Letter to Your Narcissist

Dear Narcissist, I recognize that you go through the honeymoon period after you have been emotionally/mentally abusive and/or behaved violently and you want to make it up to me. You do wonderful things, tell me how much you love me, buy me things, and think of places I would like to go that you think …

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Letter to Your Narcissist
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Yvette The Coach M.A., Life Coach, Narcissistic Abuse Expert
Letter to Your Narcissist

Dear Narcissist,

I recognize that you go through the honeymoon period after you have been emotionally/mentally abusive and/or behaved violently and you want to make it up to me. You do wonderful things, tell me how much you love me, buy me things, and think of places I would like to go that you think will make me happy.  You want me to see the better you.  I do love that man. He is wonderful and he is the man I fell in love with. The thing is…is that wonderful person is one and the same with the abuser who convinces himself that being abusive to me is ok because he had a “reason.” A reason that I must hear and understand even! Understand? Are you serious? There are no words to describe the mortification caused by that mindset. I will not sit and listen to you try to justify in your head and “understand” that it was ok to abuse me because you got angry or hurt or you had problems at work.  

What I can see is someone trying to convince himself of what a wonderful human being he is and if he can just get me convinced of that then he doesn’t have to be responsible for his terrible behavior. He can believe when he’s abusive towards me, I will feel I deserve it, or should take it because he, “Doesn’t mean it” and that’s, “Not who he really is,” and then he will win in his distorted brain. The abuser IS who you really are. You have proven it with consistency. Time you accept yourself. I have. 

What I need you to get a grasp of is you will never convince me.  I will never support you in this matter. Ever! I will never deserve abuse. Ever! You must get this. There is nothing I can hear that will justify hostility and violence thrown on to me. Every therapist on the planet will back me on this. You will not find one on your side. I cannot make you do anything. You are the sole responsibility for what you do, think, and how you behave. I will never see your side in this. NO…ONE…will ever see your side in this. You are on your own with these patterns of behavior.

It seems that if you can feel heard then you will feel justified in your behavior towards me and then be able to convince yourself that you are wonderful and your aggressive/violent/abusive/hostile behaviors toward me are acceptable because you had “reasons.”

There is no reason, ever! I am never, ever, responsible for YOUR behavior. It will never be acceptable under any circumstance, for any reason, for you to slam those abusive behaviors down on to me. You lose your right to be heard and understood as soon as you become aggressive/violent/abusive/hostile. I will never understand how someone who professes his love for me, can then find “reasons,” “justifications” for it to be OK to emotionally damage me and devour psychologically my emotionally intelligent nature. I will not understand that and be on your side and support you and hear your reasons, EVER! You must grasp this. No one will ever support your reasons.

I have done nothing TO you except express my pain to you in a variety of ways when you are hurting me, which is what anyone would do. Why do I do that? Because I am a proper communicator. I’m wanting it to stop and because for most people, when they hear that they are causing another person pain, it hurts them so bad that they immediately want to ease that person’s pain as soon as possible. I keep giving you the opportunity to take the higher road. I need you to stop trying to convince me that you are justified in this awful behavior, and I need the justifying and the behavior to stop immediately and for good. You’ve had (______) years to work on this. Time’s up.

You must grasp that the wonderful, generous human being that you choose to show others is one and the same with the hostile abuser you choose to show me. It is the same person. You. I have conceded. I am not in denial. When will this concession happen for you…

Goodbye and good riddance,

Free Now, Forever

Letter to Your Narcissist
mks

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