Letter to Your Narcissist

Dear Narcissist,

I recognize that you go through the honeymoon period after you have been emotionally/mentally abusive and/or behaved violently and you want to make it up to me. You do wonderful things, tell me how much you love me, buy me things, and think of places I would like to go that you think will make me happy.  You want me to see the better you.  I do love that man. He is wonderful and he is the man I fell in love with. The thing is…is that wonderful person is one and the same with the abuser who convinces himself that being abusive to me is ok because he had a “reason.” A reason that I must hear and understand even! Understand? Are you serious? There are no words to describe the mortification caused by that mindset. I will not sit and listen to you try to justify in your head and “understand” that it was ok to abuse me because you got angry or hurt or you had problems at work.  

What I can see is someone trying to convince himself of what a wonderful human being he is and if he can just get me convinced of that then he doesn’t have to be responsible for his terrible behavior. He can believe when he’s abusive towards me, I will feel I deserve it, or should take it because he, “Doesn’t mean it” and that’s, “Not who he really is,” and then he will win in his distorted brain. The abuser IS who you really are. You have proven it with consistency. Time you accept yourself. I have. 

What I need you to get a grasp of is you will never convince me.  I will never support you in this matter. Ever! I will never deserve abuse. Ever! You must get this. There is nothing I can hear that will justify hostility and violence thrown on to me. Every therapist on the planet will back me on this. You will not find one on your side. I cannot make you do anything. You are the sole responsibility for what you do, think, and how you behave. I will never see your side in this. NO…ONE…will ever see your side in this. You are on your own with these patterns of behavior.

It seems that if you can feel heard then you will feel justified in your behavior towards me and then be able to convince yourself that you are wonderful and your aggressive/violent/abusive/hostile behaviors toward me are acceptable because you had “reasons.”

There is no reason, ever! I am never, ever, responsible for YOUR behavior. It will never be acceptable under any circumstance, for any reason, for you to slam those abusive behaviors down on to me. You lose your right to be heard and understood as soon as you become aggressive/violent/abusive/hostile. I will never understand how someone who professes his love for me, can then find “reasons,” “justifications” for it to be OK to emotionally damage me and devour psychologically my emotionally intelligent nature. I will not understand that and be on your side and support you and hear your reasons, EVER! You must grasp this. No one will ever support your reasons.

I have done nothing TO you except express my pain to you in a variety of ways when you are hurting me, which is what anyone would do. Why do I do that? Because I am a proper communicator. I’m wanting it to stop and because for most people, when they hear that they are causing another person pain, it hurts them so bad that they immediately want to ease that person’s pain as soon as possible. I keep giving you the opportunity to take the higher road. I need you to stop trying to convince me that you are justified in this awful behavior, and I need the justifying and the behavior to stop immediately and for good. You’ve had (______) years to work on this. Time’s up.

You must grasp that the wonderful, generous human being that you choose to show others is one and the same with the hostile abuser you choose to show me. It is the same person. You. I have conceded. I am not in denial. When will this concession happen for you…

Goodbye and good riddance,

Free Now, Forever